Growing up, I was privileged to be very familiar with the great message of the Bible; referred to in the New Testament as 'The Gospel'. From a very young age, I knew that Jesus Christ was God's Son, who came into the world to save sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). Although I knew a lot about Christ, I never came to know Christ personally until I was about the age of 12. At this time I accepted that Christ's sacrificial death and resurrection meant that God was satisfied to place my sin on Christ, so that I was "cleansed from my sin" (1 John 1:12). In that moment, I was so thankful to have a place in Heaven, of no merit of my own doing, however, as some time went on, I held on to sin I felt particularly guilty about, and as a result, I doubted the fullness of salvation, and my life was robbed of joy and peace. I felt obligated to read my Bible and pray to God, and my relationship with Christ felt more as a debt I owed, even though I had claimed to accept that Christ's payment for my sin was enough.
I have had asthma since I was quite young, and as my doubt grew, my body would throw itself into panic attacks, causing my asthma to react subsequently. These experiences were extremely unnerving, and would especially concern my parents. Since I had professed faith in Christ, I felt as though I would look foolish if I admitted that the real reason for these 'asthma attacks', was because I was doubting the God I claimed to know personally, who I claimed had died to save me... So, from the ages of 12 to 17 years old, I worked through similar feelings on and off. During my good times, completed the 'milestones of being a christian', and for the majority of the other time, I prayed.. even begged God to give me some sort of peace and assurance that a) He existed, and b) that He was true to His word when the Bible says, "He that believeth on the Son has everlasting life" (John 3:36). This road seemed so long, and was so exhausting, living through doubts and fears, not trusting God, and not trusting anyone else with the personal struggle that was tearing me apart inside half the time. The other half of the time, God gave me tastes of what peace feels like, testing my faith to trust Him, a little more, and a little more. This gave me hope, that deep down, I had a relationship with God, even though at times it felt quite dysfunctional.
When I was 17 years old, I was at a Christian camp, and as I worked on scripture memorisation through the week, and as a group we studied some apologetics (basically evidences that God is real), my faith was challenged more than it had ever been, yet it was also being strengthened more than I could have ever anticipated. My soul was consumed that week with one thought; "Is God real?". I began to take a step back from what I grew up learning from such a young age. I considered that if I didn't have the heritage of a christian upbringing, where would that leave me? If it was me and.. God, what would that look like. When I did this, an amazing thing occurred: my heart became consumed by the presentation of the gospel - that is, why Christ Jesus came to save me, a sinner. Because He LOVED ME. In fact, He SO loved me.
So, almost at the age of 18, the truth of the gospel, sank into my soul, so far, that there was no room for the guilt and doubts I had struggled with for over 5 years! And I had "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7).
Through the rest of my journey, I can't say that I have never again doubted God. Every time I fail to act on opportunities that God gives me to share His love, I am doubting His plan to use me. So, yes, I doubt Him at times; but what I now understand, is that the glorious gospel is about "His glorious grace" (Ephesians 1:6, 2:8), and because Christ's love is both undeserved by me and unconditional in its nature, "His grace is ALWAYS enough" (2 Corinthians 12:9). And that is enough for me.
You are so loved,
So, live loved.
No comments:
Post a Comment